The Minutes Feel Like Eternity
by harrythe
Summary: And you're too afraid to jump, but unable to turn back.
1. Kendall

It starts with meeting at a five year old's birthday party. You've both got cake on your faces, and sparkles in your eyes, and you make sickly sweet promises to be friends forever. And it starts with sticky hands clasped together, and big eyes given to mothers to beg for playdates.

And both mothers look on fondly as you play together, your world shrunk to just the two of you.

It starts quietly, and before you notice it, he becomes your whole world.

It continues with school, and peewee hockey. You've always had each other's backs, and hockey is just an extension of that. You're brothers, on and off the ice, and between the two of you, you take the peewee league by storm, and become the force to be reckoned with.

At school, the two of you are inseperable, and there's hell to pay when you don't end up in the same classroom. You walk around with hands clasped, and side-by-side swings. Kendall and James.

It continues with the vow that you'll be married when you're older.

And then Carlos and Logan join your little ragtag band, and your world becomes just that little bit bigger. You convince them to join hockey, and you really become a force to be reckoned with out on the ice.

And the four of you become brothers, in everything except blood, and the world seems perfect for a while. And with James by your side, you feel like you can do anything. And you reach out to hold his hand to keep him by your side forever and always.

And then your dad leaves and the world falls apart.

You spend days in the tree house you and your dad built together, and you wonder what went wrong. You wonder if it was your fault. And your world is falling apart, and your heart is breaking, and James comes, because James always knows. And James holds you, and helps you pick up the pieces, and you grow up far faster than you wanted too. And your world view has changed, and there is no such thing as happily ever after.

And you're only ten years old, and you feel too young, and too old, and there is no such thing as love.

And if you no longer reach out to hold James's hand, well then you pretend not to notice.

Time passes, and one day you're eleven and spending every free minute on the ice, and then the next you're sixteen and working in a grocery store.

And you're still playing hockey, and it's become your whole world, and instead of dreams of long summer days spent with your best friend as you did when you were six, you dream of hockey scholarships and girls, and you have your three best friends, and your world is as perfect as it can get.

And then Gustavo comes and flips your world upside down.

And you trade bitter Minnesota winters for sunny California summers, and ice skating rinks for days spent by the pool. And you cling to your best friends in those moments, because besides your mom and sister, they're all you have in this crazy mixed up world that is Los Angeles.

And you promise not to let the town change you, but you look at James, and his eyes are sparkling, and you feel butterflies in your gut, and maybe just maybe some things can change.

You remember a promise of forever whispered at six years old.

And then Jo comes along, and you push down the thoughts of James because Jo is safe. Jo is good. Being with Jo feels like days spent on a picnic blanket, the world quiet and calm around you, as you watch the clouds float by. And you fall in love.

At least that's what you tell yourself when you gasp awake in the deepest parts of the night with a very different name on your lips. And you calm your racing heart, because you are not going down that path. It's dangerous, and James is unpredictable, and James is special. Everytime you look at James, it feels like you're teetering on the edge of the cliff, to afraid to jump, but unable to turn back.

And if Jo was like warm summer days on a picnic blanket, then James is cold winter nights, when the weather is unpredictable, unrelenting, and you weather out the storm. James is a tsunami, like waves crashing along the shore, and it empties and fills you all at once. And any time he touches you, it is like electricity, and you feel it in your hands, your stomach, your feet, in your skin. And James could hurt you in the worst ways possible, and he could break you, and make you ache, and long for it. And you're only sixteen, but James could easily be your forever. Your destiny

And then Jo leaves, and you mourn for what could have been. And you mourn for your life in Minnesota, when the nights were clear, and the world was small enough to fit just two people.

And you long to escape this city of lights, and this city of people, and you long to just get in a car and drive, and you don't know where you'd go, but you want the world to stretch in front of you, and minutes to feel like an eternity, and everything to be simple again.

Because in this town, nothing is ever simple.

And you never wanted this, but maybe it's what you were meant to be doing all along.

And you spend a lot of time thinking about destiny, and fate, and inevitability, and forever.

And you're too afraid to jump, but unable to turn back.

So you teeter at the edge of a cliff.


	2. James

You can't remember a time when you didn't love Kendall.

You remember a birthday party with cake over your face, and you remember hockey tryouts, and above all, you remember feeling like you were invincible with Kendall by your side.

Kendall is fire, burning you up from the inside out.

You are nothing but ashes and dust, while Kendall courses through you, and you are a star going supernova, swallowing him whole.

And you teeter on the edge of what might have been, had you stayed in Minnesota, and what could be, in LA. And you love Kendall, and it keeps you grounded. Keeps you in the reality that this is your life now.

And you're sure Kendall feels it too, sure that you're not teetering on the edge alone. And you feel it when he looks at you in the middle of your concerts, singing to you, and it makes you feel like you're the only two people in the world. And you're invincible with him by your side, Kendall's fire that makes you believe. Believe in love, and life, and destiny.

And you are a single soul inhabiting two bodies, and you wonder how long you'll have to drift by yourself.

And maybe Kendall dates Jo, then Lucy, and then Jo again, but you're sure of your destiny, sure of the way that you feel, and that Kendall just isn't ready yet. You're only seventeen, and you have forever.

You remember holding him in his treehouse, when Kendall ceased to believe in love.

So you wait patiently in the wings, sure of your love, sure of your destiny. And you even date Lucy for a bit, because she's so like Kendall, fierce, and protective, and loyal, but she lacks the fire that Kendall ignites in you. And it doesn't even surprise you when you decide to break up before she goes back on tour. Because it was never fair of you to lead her on, and she's not Kendall, but you do miss her company. And then Jo leaves Kendall to film some new blockbuster, and you go back to the way things were before.

And the minutes feel like eternity when you look at Kendall, and you become inseparable, and your world is perfect again. And maybe you can finally stop teetering on the edge of what might have been, and what could be.

And then it all falls apart when Big Time Rush ends.

It's painful, and you're not even sure how it happened, and maybe you weren't meant to last forever, but this was your dream. All four of you wanted this, and now everyone is changing their minds, and it's not fair. All you know is that one day you're in the recording studio, and the next Logan is off to be a doctor, Carlos is off to do God knows what, and Kendall, Kendall is off back to Minnesota. To play hockey.

And it feels like you can't breathe because it's happening again. You're being left behind again. So you throw yourself into a solo career, if only to distract yourself from the pain. And you're being fawned over left and right, and it's everything you thought you ever wanted. But you feel empty on the inside, and the stage is too big, without three other people beside you.

And phone calls from Kendall go ignored.

And you try to forget about him. You forget about the boy you loved, the boy who burned you up from the inside out, into nothing but ashes and dust. The boy who made you feel invincible, even when his own world was falling apart.

Because forgetting is so much easier than remembering.

And if you forget, you won't feel the ache in your chest anymore.

And you just want to wake up from this nightmare. Because that's what this is. It's a nightmare, because your best friends left you, and the boy you loved since before you could even grasp what that meant, left you. And despite being constantly surrounded by people, you've never felt so alone.

And when Kendall shows up at your door, it's like a punch to your gut.

Part of you feels like slamming the door in his face, and part of you just can't believe that he is here. So you invite him inside, into the apartment that you both loved so much, that hasn't really changed a bit. And it's so surreal to have Kendall sitting on the orange couch, and you sit beside him, and the distance between you feels like a chasm, too great to cross.

And you don't know whether to laugh or cry, because you dreamed about this. Dreamed about Kendall returning. Dreamed of the day when you'd see him again.

And Kendall is there, apologizing, and asking if things can ever go back, and he misses you, and it cuts you to the bone, because you don't want to go back, you want to go forward, but how do you cross that line? How do you go forward, when all you and Kendall ever seem to do is teeter on the edge. And you can't cross it, because Kendall is supposed to be the brave one. And yet, looking at Kendall sitting on your couch, slightly hunched forward, maybe this time Kendall needs you to be the brave one.

So you lean forward, and press your lips against his.

And when you lean back, Kendall starts to babble about how he was scared before he left, scared of what he felt for you, scared of a future with just the two of you, and it's all his fault the band broke up, because he couldn't deal with his feelings for you. And he didn't want to ever lose you, because you are the most important person in his life, and he lost you anyways. And you scare him because you know him from the inside out, and you could be the absolute worst thing for each other, and you could ruin him, could make him ache in the worst possible ways, but through it all he loves you, and he's tired of feeling like he's on the edge of the cliff, too afraid to jump, but unable to turn back.

And you run your fingers through his hair, and you forgive him, and you tell him you love him, and that he will never lose you again, and that you will always be there to catch him.

And you kiss him again.

And you finally cross the line of what could be.

 _Fin._


End file.
